NVC Resources on Relationships
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Uncover self-sabotage and release unconscious contracts through empathy and neuroscience.
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Use NVC to foster social change by navigating systemic issues with love and shared understanding.
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When people have a hard time communicating in a loving way (e.g. criticize, blame, shut down, act out, etc.) it can be very challenging. Using empathy-based communication we can connect to the underlying feelings and needs behind their behavior. By recognizing when to do what (empathizing, stepping back, etc), we can respond with compassion and clarity rather than reactivity.
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Oren Jay Sofer explains how we can stay grounded and maintain choice during overwhelming or emotionally charged conversations. He highlights the importance of presence—feeling our feet, noticing our breath, and expanding our awareness—to counter the fight-or-flight response and self-regulate. Oren also teaches a simple three-part structure for pausing a conversation without damaging the relationship: affirm the connection, state your limit, and offer a next step. By practicing and even memorizing a short version of this framework, we can exit challenging moments with clarity, care, and self-respect.
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In some situations you might expect people to show a degree of maturity or skill. When they don't, your anger-fueled response doesn't lead to lasting improved relationship change. Instead, find someone who retains focus on your feelings and needs rather than colluding with you about what should(n't) be. This can support greater acceptance, grief, vulnerability, groundedness and discernment, from which next steps can arise.
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How do you repair a relationship when you've already said things you regret, and want to reconnect with explaining or defending yourself? Listen as Miki Kashtan offers two valauble tips.
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Differentiation is being who you are in the presence of who they are. Its a process of connecting to and honoring your own experience, acting in integrity with your values, and engaging in collaboration with others to meet needs. If you're happier when you are not in an intimate relationship you may have developed your individuality but likely have difficulty with differentiation. Learn core skills and behaviors that support differentiation.
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There are various ways to be known. Learn how to engage and make clear requests accordingly. This includes getting clear in yourself about what exactly you want known; communicating how important it is to you; sharing examples in your life of being known; requesting and negotiating from the energy of the met need; letting the other person know whether or not the relationship is really sustainable for you if the need goes unmet long-term; and checking the other person's capacity.
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We can create processes that encourage resources (particularly money) to flow to where they are most needed. Engaging in "money piles" is one new way that can refocus conversations on real, practical problems to solve -- rather than ideological or abstract discussions about who "earned", "deserved", worked "harder", or merits more. It can tilt conversations based on transaction and obligation towards care and relationship. Read on for three examples that further illustrate how this new way of operating may even bring us closer to the type of world we all want to live in.
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Within the pandemic, limitations of our market economies are more visible. Extreme need is exposed when the economy is collapsing and so many people are without jobs. We can now see how it’s possible to direct resources where they are most needed, solely out of care and interconnection. This is a call to explore a more viable way of living, that centers relationship over transaction.
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